ryuzaki_17

When there is something bothering you deep down inside, what do you do?

I've been trying so hard to keep myself compose and chill about stuffs that has been going on.

It's hard. It really is.

I wanted to cry out loud and break down just for tonight.
 
I need to let it out. All this tension, suppressions, whatever you call them.

It didn't take me long to realise that I'm losing. I'm losing people whom I really respect and loved.

I'm losing people whom are dear and near.

It felt like they will always be there. Yet, they are fading away.

From my life, apart from all.

The stinging pain won't go away. I miss them. Already.

I don't want to give up them. I wish they won't go away.

And then amidst all these thoughts, I remembered my cousin, Nicole.

I miss her.

I don't want my sister to get wasted. I don't my coach to go.

They've thought me so much and I love them.

Without them, I wouldn't be where I am now.

I used to be so tiny, weak... nothing.

Even though they scold me, hated me or whatever, I can't read them. But, all the things they've thought me, I can't forget.

My dear coach,

he taught me about myself,

he taught me about letting go of expectations and all,

he taught me a lot of things.

Even if he really dislike me, I don't really care now.

I don't want somebody to go away from my life.

So what if people have to come and then go.

I don't want it like that.

Thinking of losing is scary.

It freaks me out.

Plus, my sister.

I want her back.

I know that she has her own thinking and everything,

but I want her to be understanding of everything.

Even if she doesn't, pretend to be.

Like I do.

I feel tired and I really need to melt right now.

I feel sick of being pretentious.

I don't like living under a mask.

Why deceive?

I don't know. It must be part of human nature.

I pretend to understand, when I don't even think I do.

I pretend to care, and I feel like punching myself in the face.

I pretend to stay neutral, even when I know I'm not ok with it.

I don't know, maybe I'm just a wimp under a mask.

What else can I do? I'm protecting myself.

And by doing so, I'm losing myself.

It sucks.

It really does.

I had my chance to tear, but I'm sure I need to let it out.

Geez, I'm so lousy at this.

Everything just.. just, *sigh* ...

I can't even find the words to describe my feelings.

As much as I want to live hard and play hard,

life just gets in the way.

Damn.

-ryu (apr 2, 23:06)

p/s don't go, I beg you.

Title: Finally, it's over.
Summary: "May you lead a good life and ... ser amado. You know you'll always be."
Characters: Sophia and John (LOL)
Note: Just a random thinghy. I don't even know why I am writing this or what I am writing.


You were standing at the end of the hallway, walking towards me. You didn't put on the usual smile you had, the one which beamed and was so contagious- you were the reason that I smiled.

 Pitter Patter, Pitter Patter.

My heart beats like the rain. Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Then it came to a stop. I can't breathe.

It's like I've planned it all.

I knew right from the very moment that you told me you wanted to speak to me. I knew it was going to end. All I could asked for, is to shut myself out. I didn't want to hear it from you, it would be too overwhelming. Forgive me, baby. I whispered before I passed out.

Forgive me for delaying your flight to freedom. Just bear with me for this last night, please. I promise I'll let you go, I promise.

I opened my eyes to find myself staring at the bleak white ceilings of the ward. I got up, all I see was black spots all over. "Argh, low blood pressure," I groaned. I blinked and tried to figure out what's in the room. And I saw you. You were sound asleep on the little coach they have. How I wanted to laugh at the fact that you were way oversized for the coach, you looked really cute as usual. But reality struck me. He's not yours anymore. "Well, he's still mine for the night. Just the night and it will be all over. " I let out a sigh, and hugged my knees. I let my head rest on them and stared at you. For the whole night.

You woke up to realise that I wasn't there anymore, but you managed to find the letter that I have left for you on the bed-side table.

Good morning, you sleepy head.

I'm glad that you still care for me and I am thankful that you brought me to the hospital. Really, thank you.

I know what's in your mind. You wanted to end this thing. Our thing.

I know I have been selfish and keeping myself busy at work and all, not allowing a moment or two for ourselves.

I know I have been the most ridiculous girlfriend of not being committed and all. I deserve all this, I know.

So, run along, you'll get a better girl. Or, should I say you have a better girl already?

C'mon, it wasn't hard for me to find out that you were cheating. All the perfumes and lipstick stain spilled the beans.

I don't blame you, I can't. It's my fault in a sense that it failed. Our thing failed.

And here I am, wanting to keep you for the last night.

Yes, yes, one of my selfish act. I hope you don't mind.

It's going to be dawn soon, I should get going then.

May you lead a good life and ... Ser amado. You know you'll always be.

Love,
Sophia



There, it ended. God knows what you've done to the letter and your reactions then. I heaved a sigh of relief and continue meandering along the streets.I didn't need a destination. "Who gives a damn about it," I laughed to myself. Tears made their way out but, I managed a smile. A smile for me and not for him. 

Finally, it's over.

I wish my lips fit perfectly on yours.
You and I, we're like two pieces of puzzle, we make up the whole picture. 
I was born to meet and fit just right into your life.... I hoped so.
You never tell me how much I'm worth, but you gave me contented smiles every now and then.
I am contented too.
Yet, how long is it going to be... Till we confess our love to each other, till I'm sure you're mine.
To speak the truth, I am not confident about you feeling the same way I do.
What if people think that I'm a freak? What if you do?
Life has always been the old school way, I've been through it, I know what it is like.
But for you, it's different.
I just know it.
 

Hoho, cute dino !

Was feeling pretty down :/

Y'know, concerning our team and bla~

I really feel as if we're no longer a team, people don't regard us as one (Mr EHHEM)

RAWR! Yes, RAWR!

Oh well, I'm trying my best to convince myself that this is just a stage we have to overcome (as usual)

Sometimes, when you don't feel involved, you really have no motivation

Yeah, I believe I'm experiencing something like that currently .___.

Maureen sent me a text: No one can separate our team (or sth like that)

All I could reply was: Haha, we'll see.

*sigh*

Am I being too selfish?

I think so....

I should be happy for my team mates eh?

Yeah... I should

Well, actually I do !

It's just how the teachers treat us :<

It's forever MAIN TEAM vs RESERVES

RAWR.

It seems that I'm am this tiny.

Well, I do get recognitions... sometimes.... But...

Ah well, I'm just crapping :X

Shall not go on to rant about this

I have to be considerate, I don't wish to affect the team morale (?)

I don't wanna be complacent about this team/volleyball thinghy.

I shall hide in my tortoise shell (if i have one, that is)

I shall stone all I like by the bench z_z

HOHOHOHO!

I love dinos~ (cute, cartoon ones xP)

The sight of 'em makes me feel happier

And they remind me of how I can be happy too ~ (since most of the pics are happy dinos :P)

:D

Hehehe

I shall be off to sleep, zzz

Smile loads despite WDV,
ryu_17

p/s RAWR




 

Hi,

Seriously, what's wrong with my life this few days..

I seem to be having mood swings, I can't really bear to get crankie in front of my loved ones,

But, they pissed me off.

Today in class, at home.

There's really no place to hide huh?

C'mon, this IS reality afterall.

In class, no one gave a damn, bothered to even helped.

We had to clean up, it was suppose to be a class effort.

Ha, so much for class effort.

Only a few were helping.

The rest, I don't know.

They know the best themselves.

I really felt like shouting out : Can't you guys at least shut the fuck up, even if you don't want to help.

I thought it was really unfair for those who have been helping.

I felt heartbroken.

So much for being classmates for two freaking years.

Is this so much you've grown?

I'm sorry if I sound mean, but, I meant what I typed.

No doubt how much I love my class.

Fun-loving, filled with laughthers, friendly, yeah,

but when it comes to co-operating and helping out...

where's everyone?

Hahaha, well, I can't really give much comment now,

it is the last day of school.

I was all pretty happy about the farewells, hugging and blah.

Until, later at evening/night.

Seriously, how suckish can my life be,

when my parents don't even consider my improvement for my core subjects.

My mum was reading my report book and saying : the whole level improved hor.. blablabla

I tried explaining that most of my subjects have improved....

Guess what?

My dad: deprove means deprove, after exams doesn't mean you can hog on to the laptop everyday, go study for your sec 3s ...

Please la, I BEG you to give me a break.

Ok, I admit I have been lazier this year.

So what if my results hasn't met their expectations.

They've always took it for granted, so like the hell would I care.

Seriously, my life is kinda screwed.

Even for volleyball.

The previous training, I tried my best to put in effort for everyball that comes to me,

I even initiate to ask for a ball.

In the end, I barely touched the ball.

No one gave me a freaking ball to play.

Am I that useless in your eye?

AM I ?

I really am feeling very pissed off.

It's like the whole world is fucking ignoring my effort and hardwork.

Why?

Is it not enough?

What else do you want from me?

Why, is no one caring,  no one appreciating?

What wrong have I done for yall to ignore the hardwork that I've put in.

You may take it for granted,

You may think that I could have done better,

You may simply think that I'm not there yet.

But seriously, why don't you come and be me,

Go through what I am going through now,

Tell me, could you have done better?

IF, you were me.

There are times when people like me,

who are just not on form.

We're not superheroes, we aren't perfect.

Because even superheroes have flaws.

Because when we are all stripped naked,

we are the same.

The same powerless.... human.




*sigh*

and now again, I'm reflecting.

It could have been my fault.

I didn't put in enough effort to let you see my hard work.

That's why I'm suffering and giving you guys black faces.

My fault.

I know.

I especially hate it when being compared and wronged.

Who the hell are you, to judge me?

I don't, I hope nobody does that to me.

But unfortunately, there are people like that.

Yes yes, being rebellious, a little.

Not like I'd give a damn.

May the next post be happier,

ryu_17


 

Hello, hello ^^

Full training started on monday, aches + blisters all over

I'm so glad that exams are over, no more suffering to endure :)

However, there IS another issue which has been troubling me...

Streaming, yeah, that's the culprit

I want to be rash and make decisions without thinking,

perhaps that will be when you feel the most sparked off by your interests ?

Well, I do wish to be a doctor

So, I would prefer to take triple science to pursue this ambition

But, you see, I'm not really good at math, that's a big big problem

I don't want to struggle through my whole secondary life

Alas, I don't mind the risk

Life is full of recklessness

I like the way it is that way

You know it's gonna be tough/ hard, you still wanna give it a try

YEAH MAN, THAT'S DA SPIRIT ~

:>

May I get into triple science and be a nerd to get a doctorate or something

I'm looking forward to growing up,

let's hope I won't regret

In the mean time, I shall have panic attacks regarding this friday's review of paper ><

Gosh, let me die T^T

I wish and I wish and I STILL wish that i would pass all subjects :P

Hopefully *shrugs*

:B

Training today was ok~

I enjoy them,

The physical training by Mr LLK just kinda push us real hard to get back on form

Hehehe, I don't really have a problem with spiking so far,

But, I want my receiving to improve >(

Yes, my receiving kinda suck ><

ANYWAY, I really like volleyball ( i think )

I skipped the freaking td workshop thinghy, because I preferred training

WOOTS !~

Don't need to waste my time :D

OH YEAH, ne carnival was suckish

So far, all the post exam activities are suckish

waste of time, plus, makes me really wanna sleep

THIS IS WHY,

I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO FRISBEE AND TCHOUKBALL(?) NEXT WEEK !!!!

I <3 sports ( most of them :P)

hmmmm, I thought Jan was kind of demoralised today, so,

JIAYOU WIFEY xD

-ryuryu17

p/s: impossible is nothing ;D

 

Life's been tough.

I feel numb facing expectations.

I feel numb when being despised.

I feel numb of being numb.

I feel numb of life.

Since when did everything feel so painless...

I can't think of reasons to keep it up, but I've got promises to keep.

And I will keep them, a promise is a promise.

Who knows?

Perhaps one day I'll get sick of promises.

When the die hard fact smashed me right in the face, I crumble.

I did reflect.

But what's wrong?

What's wrong when you just can't live up to expectations?

What's wrong when you just can't be labelled 'good' ?

What's wrong when you just can't avoid mistakes?

What's wrong?

Ha, must be me.

It always has been.

I'm the one whose at fault,

I can't even pick myself up when I fall.

When everything starts crumbling, what's the point of getting up?

I know I have to get myself back, somehow.

But what if it continues to be a cycle?

What if, everything crumbles every now and then.

What could happen to me...

I dare not think.

I have always try hard, play hard, but now, I'm dying hard.

Living up to expectations, to be what they want me to be when I can't,

Life's tough huh?

I received encouragement, consolations, acknowledgement and care,

I know I have friends out there who are with me all the times.

Yet, I still can't wake up from this nightmare.

Even in the nightmares, I have to smile it through...

Wish I can scream out loud,

Wish I can crumble and smile,

and lie to myself:

y'know what? Life's gonna be better!

I've been doing that alright,

but it has occurred too many times.

So much that I can't count.

I'm in a dilemma,

I wish to fall,

yet,

I want to bounce back.

To bounce back harder, smashing those who didn't trust me,

to strike with laughter...

But, my confidence is at a bottomless pit, when is it going to hit the ground...

I don't know.

I felt loved, cared and concerned.

However, what now matters is my will.

Is it going to be sturdy enough?

Some says: If there's a will, there's a way.

What if the 'will' tears?

Will you fix it?

Will I fix it?

I hope so.

-Ryuzaki_17